When you and the other parent were a couple, your interactions as a couple and as parents were bound together. After separation and divorce, you move away from the couple relationship, and you need to work at forming a new relationship as co-parents.

What is a co-parenting relationship?

A co-parenting relationship is a relationship between parents who are separated or divorced and where the focus of the relationship is what is best for the children.

The key feature of co-parenting relationships is that they focus on what’s best for the children. There are many kinds of co-parenting relationships. The nature of your co-parenting relationship will depend on many factors, including how well you and the other parent get along. For example, some parents are able to meet face-to-face to discuss the children. Others find this difficult and prefer to communicate by email or text and only when necessary.

What if you both don’t get along?

If your co-parenting relationship feels strained, try to follow these rules:

1. You can only expect from each other what is agreed to verbally or in writing
2. Keep meetings between you and the other parent relatively formal — make sure they take place in a neutral location (for example, a coffee shop) at specific times, and that you have a list of issues to discuss
3. Avoid getting emotionally involved with one another
4. Avoid sharing personal information with each other, unless it is related to parenting
5. Don’t read too much into emails and texts. Someone whose texts or emails seem angry or sarcastic may not mean for them to come across that way.
6. Find a form of communication that works for both of you. Decide on a reasonable response time period
   
   
   

The change from being a couple to having a co-parenting relationship won’t happen right away. You will need to work hard at it. It may take a while before you and the other parent learn to communicate as co-parents.

Sometimes when separated parents argue about their children, it’s really not about the children at all. Their arguments may really be about things that happened when they were a couple. They may be trying to control each other through their children. You will need to work to separate your feelings about the other parent from your feelings about your children.

If you’re worried about your child’s safety, a co-parenting relationship that requires you to work closely with the other parent may not be appropriate; and you may immediately approach the court with your concerns as any thing against the welfare of the child is a violation of section 17, and 24 of the Guardians & Wards Act 1890.

Some tips for working together

As you learn to co-parent, remember to:

1. Work to put aside your anger and cooperate to put your children’s needs first
2. Be polite and treat the other parent with respect
3. Avoid sarcasm, rudeness, and insults
4. Keep communication brief and to the point

This can be hard, especially if you have strong negative feelings about the other parent. But if you treat the other parent with respect, they’re more likely to listen to what you’re saying.

You don’t need to be friends with the other parent. You do need to find a way to work together as parents in your children’s best interests.

Communication is key.

Be prepared to have honest discussions with the other parent about your children. When you were a couple, you lived together and were able to take certain ways of doing things for granted. In a co-parenting relationship, you need to be clear about what you expect and who will do what.

For example, how often will you communicate with each other? Will this be by phone, by email, by text, or in person? Should there be rules around when you can communicate, such as no calls at night unless there is an emergency? Are you comfortable coming into each other’s houses when you drop off your children or will you wait outside?

Think about the special occasions in your children’s future — birthdays, school holidays, religious holidays (such as Christmas, or Eid Holidays), cultural events, or their graduations. Will your children enjoy them if they’re worried that their parents are going to fight or make them feel guilty about spending time with the other parent? Or will these occasions be more meaningful for your children if you and the other parent can put your differences aside and come up with a plan that puts your children first?

There are many professionals who can help you work on your co-parenting relationship. Legal advisers, counsellors, mediators, parenting coordinators*, and parenting coaches* can help you find new ways to parent together.

Remember, for your child’s happiness — you have to work as a team!

Parenting coordination is a child-focused process for resolving parenting disputes after there is an agreement or order about parenting time, parenting responsibilities or contact. Parenting coordinators can be legal advisers, mental health professionals, social workers, family therapists, mediators, or arbitrators.

A *parenting coach is a person who helps parents adopt new strategies, ideas and attitudes to parenting. Parenting coaches focus on the future and help parents adopt problem-solving skills.